The Darker Side of Me
by Kalio Halos
Summary: Ranma and Akane exchange words, and Ranma decideds he's not going to stay where he's not wanted. What can you say to make the person you love stay, when words don't come easy for you at all? R/A Give it a chance, it's one of the better ones out there.
1. Default Chapter

The Darker Side of Me

By Kalio

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½. Wish I did... but no. So, there you have it. This is fanfiction. Who would have thought on fanfiction.net? Also I don't own a few lines that belong to a song by MJ- Don't freak it's not, by far, a songfic.

A/n: Don't read if you are an avid Akane or, God forbid, Ranma hater. Save the rest of us some pain. C&C are welcome, flames are not. The reference with an asterisk will be explained in depth at the end of the story, so unless you know Dante, you may want to make a note to read the reference when you finish. It is important.

It is cold out as I walk to the park. Snow lies in an unbroken blanket on the ground. I can see my breath stretch out in front of me, and I am careful not to slip on the 'black' ice, though it would be the perfect end to the perfect day. Normally I would just laugh it off, but not today. I'm not in the mood.

I find an empty park bench to sit on, facing the rink. It is beautiful this time of year and before the people come, it is smooth as glass. Sometimes, I think, smoother. The people under the gentle lights find solace in the company of their family and friends. I wonder what mother would say if she could see it tonight. I would give almost anything to skate with her again.

But I am not skating tonight. I only want to watch the lovers laugh together, and see what I cannot have. I look at their smiling faces and grow sad. I wonder, briefly, if my tears would freeze like in Cocytus*. Somehow, I doubt it, though it would be fitting. Even if I haven't betrayed him directly, I've betrayed my heart. Isn't that close enough? It is compound fraud for sure, compound and complex.

As a matter of fact, I lied to him today. A lie so complete that I am surprised that my heart was unable to stop it from coming out of my mouth. I told him that I hated him. I don't know quite how it happened or how it started; I don't know how it came out so easily; and I don't know how he couldn't have seen how wrong the lie was. All I know is that he looked at me as though I hit him harder than any punch from Ryouga. He looked at me like that for a whole minute of silence, and by the time I had realized what I had said, he got angry. He told me... he told me that if I hated him so much, that he would just leave forever.

So that's what he's doing. He was going to pack just before I was left. I tried to apologize. But the words, they wouldn't come out. He yelled at me to speak up, and I couldn't. So I left. Came here to think about the world without him. My world without him in it. It is boring and sad. Bittersweet would describe the best. And empty.

I close my eyes briefly and sigh. I used to think that nothing could change my world so drastically. I used to think everything would always stay the same. The same old boring, tedious routine. But it did. And he was the center of it. It is still tedious, if not boring, but I don't mind. There is a rhythm about it that would be comforting if only it weren't missing something. If I didn't know any better, I would say it was love.

But I do know better. No matter how much I do love him, he will go anyway, and I am now powerless to stop it. He will go and leave me, to wonder what it would be like if he had stayed. I wonder if I have really hurt him that much, or just his pride. I suppose I will know if he winds up living with one of... them. At least I will still be able to see him at school. That is enough for me. Just to see him smile. That is enough.

I used to wonder if he ever liked me. There were times when he was unusually nice, however fleeting. But everything was always so messed up, and feelings, at least my own, were never voiced. I always wondered if he would hear my heart speed up see right through me, seeing how much I really cared. I always thought that he would notice that I was always around him because I wanted to be there, and not because it would be honorable for his 'intended'. So, I tried to hide these as well as I could with my abrasive side, the one that I had to adopt for every lousy boy who tried to fight me for my affection.

Funny. The one who succeeded refused to physically fight me, and did it with words.

It is hard to fight with someone you love over such meaningless things, when you want, more than anything else in the world, for the fighting to stop, though you like the teasing- to a point. And it is hard to live so close to them, and try to control feelings of jealousy, even if you know that it unfounded. I have learned that it hurts so much more to lie about such a thing than to tell the truth, however awkward it would be. Driving him away was only intended for a short distance, not more than a safe one.

Perhaps I have driven everyone I know away. I have finally found someone worth letting in, but I am paralyzed at the prospect of letting it happen. I am foolish, but most of all, I am a coward. This is the darker side of me. The one that is false to all who cannot see through it. To those who happened to see the front without seeing the scared little girl behind it. I have built up my wall so high, only to see it fall today, in front of my eyes. Too bad I haven't had the courage to let him see the ruins, and the real me. Maybe then he would stay.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I don't know whether to live or to die. It's all so confusing. I should be happy that he's finally free of me and everything that he hates about me. He has a chance to be happy with some other girl he may not be forced to marry. But...

It cuts like a knife. He's going to be- he's out of my life. I can't tell you what the days will be like when he's gone. It will be lonely. Oh, how it will be lonely. At least with all the fights we get in, we got to spend time together and have some human contact. When he's gone, Daddy will cry more. Kasumi wil be quieter, yet. Nabiki will sink further into her accounts. And where will I be? Left alone, perhaps having to fight the male population of Furinkan off again. Oh, joy.

I guess I'm not in Cocytus, yet. My tears do not freeze as they glide down my cheeks. I do not stop them, the deserve to flow. I deserve to be unhappy, and I do not deserve to be in love.

'Akane?' A soft voice asks behind me. I know it is him, and though I am surprised that he is still here, I cannot face him. I am too ashamed. He tries again. 'Hey, can I sit here?'

I nod. It is curt looking, but I do not care. It cannot express my emotions, just as I cannot. I wonder why he would stay long enough to say goodbye. I also wonder why he bothered to find me. I feel that it was yet another waste of his time to take the time to look. I brace myself for when he sees the tears that I haven't wiped away. I can almost hear the scorn in his voice now, "so now you care?" But it does not come.

'Akane?' The confusion is evident in his voice, something I am not used to hearing without the harshness of "what the-?!". Instead I feel the unexpected touch of his calloused thumb against my cheek, rubbing the salty solution away. 'What's wrong?'

When I finally look over at him, it is in shock. Though I am still crying, I can hardly keep the surprise from showing on my features. He is supposed to hate me. Be horribly angry with me... but he is not. All I can see on his features is concern. The only thought that crosses my mind in this moment is asking: did we live the same evening?

'W-what?' I finally manage to chock out.

'You're crying. What's wrong?' Again, I cannot keep the shock from holding me. Doesn't he realize that he should be, by all accounts, hating my guts? Doesn't he realize that it's not entirely usual to care whether your enemy is crying? I cannot speak. So he does, instead. 'Hey, listen. I, uh... I wasn't thinking this afternoon. It was my fault you were mad at me, and it's okay if you don't like me, but... I don't want you to hate me. So... I decided that if I leave, I can't make you not hate me. So you're stuck with me, okay?'

His eyes are so gentle as he says this. It is almost as if he is as afraid of being hurt as I am. I bite my lip and my eyes contort as the tears speed up. I can't say how much this means to me. I am unable to control myself, I throw my arms around him, and I bury my face in to his chest. He must be very surprised. 'Whoa! Aw, geez, Akane, I didn't mean for ya to cry like this. Com'on, stop that!' But I just sob harder. No matter how embarrassing, it just won't stop. I grasp the fabric of his shirt, and realize how cold he must be since he has no jacket. He pats me on the back, I suppose hoping to high heaven that I will stop. 'Please, Akane. Don't cry. Anything but that. Okay, okay, I WILL leave if you want me to!'

'No.' The first word that I am able to really speak.

"Huh?'

'I d-don't want you to leave.' In my 17 years, I have never said anything so brave.

'Really?' His voice is the most timid that I have ever heard him. I wipe the tears on my face with my sleeve and sniff.

'I don't hate you, Ranma. I lied. I lied badly. I'm sorry I hurt you. My fault. I... would be so alone without you. I don't want you to leave.' He stares at me. And it is hard to wait for an answer.

'You would? You'd, like, miss me?' I must be mistaken. I saw hope in his eyes.

'Yea. Very much. I don't mean the things I say. I... shouldn't hit you at all, and I shouldn't be jealous. I have no right to be.' I expect him to be all macho and tell me that he was right, that I was jealous, but he surprises me again.

'Akane, you don't have any reason to be jealous.'

'Huh?' He scratches nervously behind his ear.

'I don't really care about anybody but you. I mean, how could I? You would have given your life to help me in China. I can't forget that. Besides...' he grins, 'you're cuter than I let on,' he teases.

I stare at him. He smiles and kisses my cheek. 'Come on. Let's get out of here, I'm cold.'

He takes my hand, and helps me to stand. He leads me toward the house. I smile for the first time today.

OUR house.

*~Owari~*

*Cocytus: The ninth and last layer of hell of Dante's Inferno: Compound fraud. Here, Satan is in the center, his feet frozen in ice. He beats his ugly wings to try to escape but, only succeeds in freezing the whole layer. Here, the sinners are frozen in the ice for all eternity. The first round, Caina, has sinners frozen to their neck. They are allowed to bend their head so that they can cry. The farther the rounds go, the more covered in ice they are. They cannot cry further through because their tears freeze their eyes shut, and then some, are just completely covered in ice. The symbolism signifies that they denied others the warmth of love in life (through betrayal and treachery) so they are to spend eternity without the warmth of love. Dante is good, you should all read him (sorry for the plug).

A/n: Well, I have no plans to continue with this fic, it just came to me, but I will if you guys really want me to. It won't be a long one either way. Anyway, this is where it gets boring and personal, so if you want to skip this, just go review, if not, then don't say that I didn't warn you.

This sort of came from my life. I sort of feel like Akane does in this fic when she's still scared and confused. See, I've known this guy for almost seven years and I almost always have some new girl to be jealous of since he is not a bad looking guy. He doesn't go to my school, but he goes to my church, so I can't keep up with him as well as Akane, but... then again, I'm not insanely jealous at all. More like the silently hurt type.

What makes it really hard though, is that unlike Akane, I knew that when I first met him, he liked me... his brother told me. It wasn't that I didn't like him then, but he would never talk to me no matter what I said to him... he was too shy. I think it was because he used to be a little on the heavy side. Anyway, I promised myself that if he ever got brave enough to ask me out, I'd go, cuz he seemed nice. But... he didn't. Anyway, somewhere along the way, he grew up. Reeeaalll nicely. He's a lot taller than me... not hard... and he's a much different guy now... at least on the outside. He's not shy at all, but since we're just sort of friends, it's not an issue. His bro and I are really good friends to make things weirder... since goober is like my brother, and this guy... is soooo not like my brother (which is a very, very good thing).

So this guy is not shy, but he could be a sweetheart if he wanted to be. He teases me a lot, and I always get the feeling that he still likes me. But my bro (the real one) says he doesn't think I'm 'attractive'. I think guys are all full of crap. Not really... how shall I put this guy's personality now? I got it!

I called him an 'overconfident, blustering, macho jerk!' and he was with me until the jerk part. Then he said, 'wait a minute!' In anycase, this little fic came from the frustration I feel about this guy. I hope that explains. If only I could get as many happy endings as I dish out... *sigh*...

Ok, enough... go review.


	2. Ranma's Darker Side

The Darker Side of Me (Ranma)

By Kalio

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma, which is a damn shame, but it really isn't up to me. Anyway, don't sue.

A/n: I decided that it would be good to give you guys Ranma's POV for all of this, because since you didn't see what I was thinking about him like you would have if it wasn't from Akane's POV, you thought it was hard to understand Ranma's actions. So I wanted to make it easier for you and me to see what went on inside his head. Here ya go.

Gods it's cold out here... I really should think about these things before I say them... Stupid, stupid, stupid! Here I am about to throw love and honor to the wind. What is wrong with me?! I can't find that girl anywhere, and it's spiffin` late! I've already checked the school, her favorite restaurant, and a million other places. I even went to Mom's house for crying out loud! Why do I do this to myself? To us? I never should have said it, shouldn't even have thought it. No wonder she was mad.

I shouldn't have gone there... She knows, and I know, why did I have to tell her she shouldn't even try to cook. Why? WHY?! Because, like all to many things between us, it's just habit. I don't even have to think about it anymore, the insults just roll off my tongue. How was I supposed to know it was edible this time? She should have told me Kasumi pulled out the ingredients. Then again... maybe she was about to tell me.

And that's why I'm trying to find her. Man, I have never seen Kasumi so... disappointed in me. After she left, Kasumi nearly... y-y... yelled (!) at me! She said: 'Ranma! I don't believe you! Akane worked really hard today, and the ingredients for that pie were correct. You should have tried it before you told my little sister off. And when she tried to apologize for what she said, you yelled so more. You're just as bad as she is!' I looked at her guiltily.

'It... wasn't deadly?' She pursed her lips (can you believe it?! It's one of those looks that makes lesser men wet their pants).

'Quite the opposite.'

It's true, too. I can't believe that I yelled at her for trying to apologize... I can be such and idiot sometimes... I don't even know if I would have accepted it anyways, which is what gets me the most. I think that by the time she told me she hated me, I was just looking for an excuse not to tell her... I suppose just how much I didn't want to go... ever. It was just so easy to give up when she said that... so easy to justify running away where it would probably eat me alive until the day I die.

So I guess it really was a- how do they call it?- wake up call. It's really easy to leave and not to look back until you can't anymore. But then, it's harder than almost anything else you could do. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if I hadn't accepted her apology... Gods, it's not even funny between us, anymore. It really isn't.

Bloody hell! That's it! Akane said something about how much she loved to go to the skating rink with her mom when she was little. If she's not there... okay, not thinking about that, now...

I roof hop as far as I can before it's less residential and more... parky. I don't like to run on the ground as much, but it will always work in a pinch. I'm finally at the park, out of breath, for the first time in a long time. I finally spot her on a park bench. I try to make my feet move, but somehow, I am rooted to spot. And I don't have the faintest why.

So, I just look at her wondering how long it will take for her to realize I'm here. She isn't very observant today, because she doesn't look my way at all, or maybe she just doesn't want to. I suppose it serves us right for treating each other so badly. Looking back at our track record, we've really screwed up. Hey, I'm not going to take all the blame for this. But I will take my share, and there's a lot of blame to take.

But... there's a lot of good, too. It doesn't matter what I've done, or where I've gone that Akane wasn't more than willing to follow to keep me in line and help me out. When I had no strength -damn Happosai- she was right there to tell me not to go, she was willing to go to China, even though I told her no. When she was taken there by Kiima, she broke out of the jail thing, and may as well have sacrificed herself for me- Gods I can't even think about that... She even was willing to marry me just so I could get that cure that I wanted so badly... God, how could she even say she hates me? I don't understand how she can hate me so much, and always be there for me, taking backstage in everything I do. I should have let her apologize... I should have shut my trap for a few seconds and listened. Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda... I hate that.

Geez, what can I say? I don't want to leave, I want to stay here; I want to run the dojo with her help; I want to... I want to tell her I love her; I want to marry her. Heck, I want little Ranmas and Akanes running around the backyard... and everything it takes for that to happen. But, that can wait. Right now, I need to make things right. I just need to get my feet moving, my mind working, and my mouth talking. I don't need a miracle, I need the truth and a little help from God, not to FUBAR this.

Oh, man. I see her shoulders shake a little, and she doesn't look cold. That can only mean one thing. She's crying. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to comfort her. The other part wants to run in the opposite direction as fast as I can. But I don't. I have not idea what to do, I just want to cry with her. I find my feet, mind and voice, somehow. 'Akane?' I ask as softly as I can. I don't want to scare her... or myself, for that matter. 'Hey, can I sit here?'

She nods. I suppose it is sharp, but considering how much we've hurt one another today, it is not surprising, in the slightest. I knew she was crying, but to see how she just left them there, how she just sat looking at the rink without wiping them away... it caught me off guard for such a proud girl to be caught crying over anything and not trying to cover it up. But maybe it is fitting... pride in every aspect of her life... if there's something that makes her feel bad, then she isn't going to let anyone tell her not to. 'Akane?'

I rub a fresh tear away with my thumb, something I'm still not sure where I found the courage for. It is yet another time that I wish that I have not been a martial artist all my life. I can't even wipe away a tear without hurting her. Stupid callouses... Even some damn guy off the street would have a gentler touch than me. 'What's wrong?' I know very well what's wrong... all my spiffin` fault... No, it's not all my fault. It's all our fault for being stubborn and quick to judge. Eventually she answers, looking at me.

'W-what?'

'You're crying. What's wrong?' I repeat it, trying not to slip, trying not to shake her and tell her how big of idiots we are. She just stares at me, so I do the only thing I can.... keep babbling... 'Hey, listen. I, uh... I wasn't thinking this afternoon. It was my fault you were mad at me, and it's okay if you don't like me, but... I don't want you to hate me. So... I decided that if I leave, I can't make you not hate me. So you're stuck with me, okay?' I really am a fool. Would it be too much to ask, really, for her to just forgive me, already? Does she have to look at me like that?

So instead of looking at me like that, she deems it necessary to cry in my shirt. Not that I mind... but it wasn't exactly the answer I was looking for... 'Whoa! Aw, geez, Akane, I didn't mean for ya to cry like this. Com'on, stop that!' Instead, she just sobs harder. Why is it that I have this effect on her? Why?! I don't want her to be sad, it makes me feel so... un-manly... I want to cry with her until she stops. Instead, I just pat her on the back, hoping that she'll quit it an listen to me apologize, but I guess I can't ask her to do what I couldn't, huh? 'Please, Akane. Don't cry. Anything but that. Okay, okay, I WILL leave if you want me to!' At least that got her to stop.

'No.' She says, finally, after looking up at me with the most pained expression I have ever seen in those melted chocolate eyes. When I say what I say, it is more out of shock from her eyes than from her one word.

'Huh?' I took her a minute to get it out.

'I d-don't want you to leave.' God, almighty, we're on the same page! But I can't look like I'm about to dance... how unlike me could I get? So I try for the disbelieving thing.

'Really?' She wipes away her own tears for once, and says as seriously as I have ever heard her:

'I don't hate you, Ranma. I lied. I lied badly. I'm sorry I hurt you. My fault. I... would be so alone without you. I don't want you to leave.' I stare at her. Wow... Now that, I wasn't expecting. The princess of Furinkan High lonely without ME?

'You would? You'd, like, miss me?' She chocked a laugh out.

'Yea. Very much. I don't mean the things I say. I... shouldn't hit you at all, and I shouldn't be jealous. I have no right to be.' As if I couldn't be more shocked... but my face softens anyway.

'Akane, you don't have any reason to be jealous.' More, shock. Surprise, surprise.

'Huh?' Great... clarification leaves room to say too much. I scratch nervously behind my ear.

'I don't really care about anybody but you. I mean, how could I? You would have given your life to help me in China. I can't forget that. Besides...' I grin knowing I really am going to say too much, but I do, anyway. 'You're cuter than I let on.' She stares at me, but not in the way that makes me feel I shouldn't have said it. In fact the look told me to keep going. So I do... I smile and kiss her cheek -the thing, that out of all the things in my life, took the most balls (or backbone, if you prefer)- 'Come on. Let's get out of here, I'm cold.'

I gently take her hand, and help her up. Like me, she doesn't seem like she could stand on her own. We need each other's help, today, I suppose. I start walking to the house. She smiles as I look back at her, and somehow I can tell she's thinking the same thing.

OUR house.

A/n: Okay. It was much harder writing this from Ranma's POV. I think it had to do with me not being a guy... but that's okay... I'm a bigger tomboy than Akane (except for the hair, it's shoulder length). Anyway, thanks for all of your reviews, guys. I hope you're all reading my other fics, they could use suggestions, too. Anyway, I'm done with this little fic forever, so if you like it, hate it, whatever, now's your last chance to tell me. If you hate it, don't be unreasonable. Tell me why you disliked it. And if you hate Akane, that's not hating my fic, get it right.

Oh, and for those of you wondering about that guy I was talking about. He's had plenty of hints to go on. I even took him to my homecoming this year. I know for a fact that people can't read me if I don't want them to. In fact, I have never blushed from embarrassment in my life (from running, sure, but being embarrassed, never). I'm lucky, I know, but it's also unlucky cuz people can't tell what I'm thinking. My own brother can't tell when I'm embarrassed unless I ham it up. But I make it abundantly obvious that I'm interested. Sometimes he takes the bait, other times, I could just hurt him cuz he started flirting with me a moment earlier. I think I'm just going to give up on him, and go for someone who actually likes me. *frown* Or just randomly shout 'Make up your spiffin` mind!' when he flirts with me again. *narrows eyes* Hmm... not a bad idea to do both... Anyway... last chance to tell me whether you love, hate, etc. my writing, or the style of story.


End file.
